


You Do You

by bitsby, notmadderred



Series: Reverse Harem Simmons [1]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Everyone's a Dumbass, Fluff and Smut, Illustrated, M/M, Memeology, Pining, Simmons Loves Grif likeabitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-07-30 13:31:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20097997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitsby/pseuds/bitsby, https://archiveofourown.org/users/notmadderred/pseuds/notmadderred
Summary: Simmons just wants to get the water. It's not his fault Church and Tucker are acting weird.aka, Simmons is now unknowingly in a Reverse Harem situation. Church is the first victim.





	1. Real Story

“I’ll come with you!”

Simmons blinked. “What?” he said as the suggestion rolled once, twice around his mind before Simmons finally gave in, seeing as it didn't make any sense. “You’ll do what?” he elaborated, as though this would somehow make Church more forthcoming from where he was hovering outside Tucker’s suit.

Church scoffed, and Simmons instantly decided he’d misheard him. Why the fuck would Church want to come with him to pick up the shipment of water anyway? He was an idiot. Well, at least he hadn’t up and asked Church _why_ he wanted to come with--

“I _said_ I’ll come with you,” Church stated, crossing his holographic arms over his chest as though that clarified his point.

Simmons squinted this time. “Are you okay?”

“What?” Church squawked, his voice pitching high. “The hell’s _that_ supposed to mean?”

“You just went up about thirty octaves, dude,” Tucker said, sounding mildly amused. “Are you going through puberty or some shit? I mean,” he continued, tone taking the sultry edge it always did before he said something fucking ridiculous, “that _would_ explain why you suddenly want to--”

“Shut up!” Church interrupted, waving his arms frantically for a moment before disappearing from sight. After a second, he reappeared with a resounding, “_Fuck!_”

“What? Got too flustered? Your wiring overheated because you have a _crush_\--”

“Tucker, go fuck yourself!” Church’s body shifted, as though uncertain, as Simmons frowned and simply continued to watch this exchange. Having Tucker approach him for casual conversation had been weird enough, but this?

Church stuck up his nose indignantly. “Besides, I’m an AI! I can’t, uh. Get.”

Tucker cocked his head. 

“Shut up!” yelled Church. “Simmons, I’m going with you. I’m sick of being with this perv.”

Tucker huffed. “You know, I totally didn't have to come here and act like--”

“If I take you will you both stop being weird?” Simmons interrupted. It was literally just water. What the hell was so hard about that? And what the fuck was happening between these two?

“Yes,” Church said immediately as Tucker chirped, “Oh, he certainly won’t.”

“Fuck you!” Church shot at him.

Simmons and Church weren’t particularly close, let alone Simmons and _Epsilon_ Church, so he honestly had no idea how to handle this particular situation.

Not for the first time, he wished Grif had decided to make this trek alongside him if only to make small talk.

Oh, God. What had he just agreed to? AIs were a signature Blue Team Thing -- as far as Simmons knew, not a single Red had actually dealt with an implant beyond O’Malley’s hopping-spree, and that had been bad enough.

“Wait--” he said, sticking up his hands to form a ‘time-out’ sign.

Something swam against his head, filling the gaps of his mind like water before flinging itself to a corner.

He froze in the time-out pose. “Uh.”

Tucker was staring at him, expectant.

What…

God-fucking-dammit. This was _exactly_ why AIs were Blue. How the fuck did you deal with actively sharing a mind with one? Because it was _there_, just-- fucking-- _chilling_ as though this was _natural_ which oh fuck it wasn’t and Simmons was a _cyborg_ so natural didn't even cover him properly but this was his brain and his brain was a Safe Zone™ and this was a _fucking invasion_

“_Simmons, chill the fuck out. You’re gonna make me go Theta or some shit from, I dunno, second-hand anxiety._”

And just like that, all of his aforementioned anxieties were flooded away by his own wave of scientific curiosity. “Theta? That’s one of the other AIs, right? You're technically memory and all, but does that mean you inherited the others? Wait, when you say go Theta, do you mean memories or you’ll _actually_ become another AI because that would be an extremely interesting development seeing it would prove the individuality of and _psychological_ capabilities of what would be initially perceived as a mere piece of technology but Dissociative Identities are a strictly human experience so--”

Warmth spread through his head in a pulse.

Simmons cut himself short, momentarily confused as to why he was sorta feeling embarrassed while also not being embarrassed and--

Oh.

Oh shit.

_Church_ was embarrassed.

Oddly enough, knowledge of that was enough to make him _actually_ embarrassed even though he wasn’t entirely sure what he was embarrassed about. He was just in a steaming pile of Awkward that was not fun and oh god he was sharing a head with Church and Church could probably feel what he was feeling seeing as he could feel Church’s feelings and they were just making each other more embarrassed in a stupid fucking cycle because-- why had Church been embarrassed wait had Simmons pressed too far no wait then Church would’ve been mad not embarrassed but he was embarrassed why had he gotten embarrassed in the first place was DID too sensitive a topic and Simmons had just broached it without a fucking care and--

Tucker snapped his fingers in front of Simmons’ face, and Simmons jumped back with a yelp. He could feel Church startle, too, in the corner of his head because _they were sharing a head_

“Are you both good in there? What was all that nerd-talk about?” His eyes widened, and his face split into a smile. “Wait, did you stop because Church told you--”

Church’s body appeared at Simmons’ shoulder. “I didn't _say_ anything, _Tucker_.”

“You’re annoyed,” said Simmons, dumbfounded.

“Yeah, that’s a side-effect,” Tucker offered with a shrug. “He’s perpetually annoyed, so you will be, too.”

Why. Was this happening. He. Just wanted to get the water. 

Instead he was just standing in front of Tucker with a blank look.

Um.

Church made a small, aborted movement before blipping out of sight. Simmons briefly wondered how Church had transferred so easily -- how an AI could hop from person to person without even being in their implants how the hell did that make _sense_ unless it was proximity-based or maybe it had to do with the type of unit he was because this was a memory unit which would mean Church could hop to people he remembered wait no that didn't make sense how would that account for--

Church’s mind melded deeper with his. It was a sensation not unlike holding hands (and okayokay why the _fuck_ did his mind immediately go to Grif and holding Grif’s hand and wow he hadn’t held anyone’s hand in a long time and holy shit the first person he was basically holding hands with was Church what the _fuck_ was happening), and he felt Church actively slide through his body into his arms and legs and _oh fuck brain don’t go there_\--

His body turned and started walking. “Bye, Tucker,” his mouth said in Church’s voice.

They were going in the right direction because Church knew that the shipment was in a different spot than normal because Church was in his head and sharing his thoughts and Church hadn’t realized he’d accessed that part of Simmons’ brain and now they were both uncomfortable again--

“_Okay, look, I get this is new for you,_” Church was saying without speaking but rather more like thinking because he could hear thoughts wait could he hear Simmons’ thoughts ohmyGod did that mean he knew that-- wait don’t think about that you fucking idiot-- “_SIMMONS SHUT UP GODAMMIT_.”

His body stopped walking, and Simmons felt control leak back into his fingers as Church retreated so he was only in his head. “Uh, sorry! This is… um, this is weird.”

Church chuckled, the sound coming low and sensual (why did he think sensual where did that come from oh fuck was he thinking like this because Church was in his head welp this was weird). “_Yeah, imagine being me. This is my life. Unless, I’m, y’know. Possessing a person or robot._”

“Uh, right,” Simmons replied. “Sorry. That must be. Um. Hard. Sorry.”

Church hummed, and the sensation thrummed through his bones in a pleasant buzz. “_Don’t worry about it. It’s… still taking some getting used to. Even though technically I’ve always been… AI. Yeah._” 

Church was being… very honest. Was that a part of sharing a mind? Wait, was that why Church wanted to go with Simmons?-- so they could get to know each other? Why did he want to get to know _Simmons_? Oh, fuck, was he planning some dumb fucking--

Another surge of embarrassment pulsed through Simmons’ head before it was immediately reigned in. “_You’re super fucking loud, you know? And you can just ask._” Simmons felt Church shifting, running along the outskirts of his mind to his other side, tendrils dragging like fingers against the base of his skull. “_I… don’t mind._”

There was something tentative there, like Church was waving some metaphorical olive branch in front of him.

Simmons blinked.

This was… definitely weird.

Even still, he let a part of his mind gently reach out as if to take it.

Okay.

Simmons felt appreciation drift out and back in like a tide.

This was intimate.

Wait, not like _intimate_ intimate.

Church snorted, the sound popping near Simmons’ left ear. “_How would sharing a head with someone_ not_ be intimate_?”

He flushed. “Yeah, whatever,” he said, and it sounded just as frazzled as he now felt, which meant Church knew how he felt because he was feeling it too nope not this cycle again Simmons couldn’t think too long on this otherwise he’d--

“_We’re here,_” said Church.

Oh, right. He’d completely forgotten about getting water. He’d just… got here. “Right,” he said, nodding once. “Water.”

Church laughed again. “_Yeah, Richard. Water._” 

His face flushed. _Richard_. No one called him that. He… supposed he didn't mind. Actually, it was kind of nice, like the way people gave each other nicknames that could be dumb but were still affectionate and showed some form of caring and man he’d love hearing Grif call him Richard which would be a first because sometimes he called him Dick and that made him feel strange but in a good way and Church calling him Richard felt strange in a good way but not exactly the same way as--

There was a flash of something; a bolt of pain. Before Simmons could study it, it was gone. Church, in the recesses of his mind, seemed contemplative, defensive. “Are you trying to solve something?” Simmons asked. “Because I-- uh, I sometimes feel how you’re feeling when I’m sorting through something complex.”

“_I’m… yeah. Trying to solve something._” Church shifted Simmons’ gaze back to the supplies. “_You gonna grab that or not?_” 

“Yeah. I-- I got it.” He bent over, picking them up and hefting it under his cyborg arm with ease.

“_That wasn’t so hard, was it?_” Church teased, giving him the mental equivalent of a playful elbow jab. “_Even easier with that arm, I bet. How much does that hunk of metal weigh, anyway?_”

Simmons grinned. “Shouldn’t you know, being inside me and all that?”

There was a low, resounding _pop_, and Simmons momentarily lost Church. It was only for a split-second, and he returned flustered and annoyed. “_You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,_” he said.

“What was that? Should I be worried? Have you been malfunctioning? Why are you flustered?” And why was he flustered in the way Simmons always got when Grif made a sarcastic comment before clapping his shoulder and touching a second longer than normal? And why did he keep thinking about Grif?

“_I’m fine,_” Church said. “_Completely and totally fine. What’s with you…_” There was a pause. “_Are you comparing me to your relationship with Grif?_”

He stopped walking. “What?”

“_You keep-- nevermind._” Church was… pleased. For some reason.

After another moment’s hesitation, he kept walking. They were already nearing the building -- he’d be back to useless routines and lounging with Grif pretty soon. “But, uh, yeah. The cybernetics have taken some time to get used to.” He huffed and shook his head. “I mean, I guess it’s helped with improving my upper body strength.”

Church paused. His minute shifting halted, his prodding stopped. A gear whirled. “_I’ve noticed._”

Simmons frowned. “Oh,” he said. That almost sounded like… wait, no -- there was no way _Church_ was-- oh fuck Church was in his head and _Church meant_ that he’d noticed because he was partially cybernetic which was a very noticeable thing to… notice. Yeah. “Oh! Yeah. It’s, um. Useful.” He shifted his arm, using the mechanized rotation to flex his bicep slightly. “I can do a lot of crazy stuff with this thing.”

Church did something that sounded suspiciously like choking, and there was a flash of _‘Donut’_. “_Uh, yeah. I’m sure that it can. I, uh, guess we sorta understand each other there. I mean, hey,_” he continued, “_You’re part machine, and I’m technically… well, just a machine._”

There was something else there; something Church was hiding. Despite his curiosity, he found himself focusing on the words rather than the puzzle beneath. “Hey,” he said, making his tone as soothing as possible, letting that tone seep through as _genuine_ and even letting some of the concern shine through (hell, Church may have known about it even if he tried to hide that concern. He lived like this, after all.). It was different than his usual approach to these things -- every time Grif told him something bordering on personal, something that framed a further narrative, a past, he avoided it. Simmons wasn’t sure why. Grif did the same. It was their routine. Perhaps he could try something different with Church -- the best practice would probably be when having someone there who’s basically psychically connected to him.

“You’re not a machine. You’re still a person. You-- you have thoughts and feelings and emotions and-- and all that. You’ve got a personality! Granted, you’re definitely kind of an asshole, but I dunno.” He grinned, ignoring the way Tucker was lounging in front of the pantry door looking nowhere near casual. “You’re someone I think I’d like to know better.”

Tucker’s eyebrows shot up. “Wait, are you talking to me or--”

Simmons pursed his lips before lifting the bag of waters. “Nope. And move. I need to put these away.”

Tucker lifted his hands. “Yeah, yeah. I got it.” Then he winked. “Have fun getting to know him.” He brushed Simmons’ shoulder as he walked past, and for a second Simmons wondered if that comment had actually been innocent for once.

Church still wasn’t saying anything; occasionally releasing a soft electromagnetic throb Simmons couldn’t yet interpret. There was something familiar there.

“Bow chicka bow wow!” Tucker called over his shoulder.

“Fuck,” said Simmons.

Church made a strangled sound.

Simmons kind of wanted to shoot an insult at Tucker’s back. That was usually his brand with Grif -- with everyone else, the insults came muttered or disguised in some form of ass-kissing. “Shut the fuck up, Tucker!” he yelled after the man anyway.

Tucker wolf-whistled. “He’s really in your head, isn’t he?”

“I’ll kick your ass!” Church told him, easily gaining control over Simmons’ body once more. “I’ll tell Caboose you want a hug!”

Tucker’s laughter echoed through the room.

Simmons was still in the backseat, watching through what felt like Church’s eyes. It was… odd. He knew he could easily take back control -- Church left that pathway wide open and easy to navigate. But this… this was how Church spent much of his time living. Working behind the scenes, assessing probabilities and threats; never the focal point he’d been as Alpha. “_This_\--” he began, halting at the way speech came like-- like _that_. Analogous to using a comm system. “_This doesn’t make much scientific sense_,” he finished.

Church looked down at Simmons’ hands, opening and closing his fists in deliberate motions. “It makes a bit more sense when you’re the program being run. If you want I can… show you?”

Simmons felt the meaning, thoughts like images in explanation surfacing in his brain. Meld deeper. Church had been sticking to the edges, navigating his way around fissures, only sticking his fingers in deep enough for basic motor control.

It was a silent conversation, communication without words, without even thinking. It’d be close. Personal. They’d understand more about each other -- they’d get answers, but they’d get more than that, too. Things not conscientious. Nothing buried -- not that far, not yet (“yet” reverberated down his spine with a shiver), but closer than they’d be with anyone else. 

He wasn’t entirely sure why he did it, but he… he opened himself immediately. Everything in him was suggesting trust, telling him that this was okay. It was like tearing down a forest, plucking the trees from the Earth to see the plains beneath. 

Church hovered above him like a sun, hesitating. Simmons’ knuckles were turning white. “Are you sure?” Church said, his tone dipping. Simmons could see where the hesitance was; see it in the same way he could see his own motives. He _wanted_ to. But this was… new. Different. For both of them.

This was about much more than understanding the science behind an AI. 

“_I’m sure_,” he responded.

Church dove into him.

Simmons’ body stumbled back, and he blinked; control thrust back upon him from the shock. He grasped desperately at the counter for purchase. He couldn’t focus on the physical, his head still reeling from the continuing crash. It felt like their minds were fusing, Church’s thoughts intermixing with his own, stretching into each furrow and dissolving within. 

A small, surprised sound escaped him, and his knees buckled slightly. 

It felt like minutes, hours -- hours of his muscles tensing, toes curling inward as the sensation arched through his body.

Then Church finally settled. One last wave wracked through him, and Simmons gritted his teeth and tightened his grip on the counter to let it flow through.

Then he could finally breathe again.

His breaths were coming out in heavy pants.

“_I_,” said Church, “_didn't expect it to work like… that._”

Simmons flicked his eyes upward.

Tucker was standing in the doorway, expression somewhere between shock, horror, and absolutely pleased. “Wow,” he said. “I was just coming to grab one of those waters you brought back.” He lifted an empty plastic bottle as if to exaggerate his point. “But I think I’ll give you two some space.”

Church was annoyed and embarrassed. Simmons was annoyed and embarrassed. Or maybe Simmons was just embarrassed and Church was just annoyed but in their current state, distinguishing between the two was a bit difficult. 

Simmons flushed. Church glared. “Fuck off,” they said.

Tucker’s mouth twisted into a smirk. “Like I said. I’ll give you two some space. Bow-chicka--”

Church scrambled to grab anything off the counter space -- Simmons directed him to the roll of paper towels -- before launching it in Tucker’s direction -- Simmons made sure it didn't go wide by five feet.

Tucker ducked, and the roll sailed over his head. “--bow-wow!” he concluded. 

With that, he ran back out cackling. Simmons could, perhaps a bit too clearly, make out his calls for Wash.

Well, shit.

It definitely had… looked like. That.

It even kind of felt--

“I’m going to my room!” Simmons squeaked, steering in that direction.

Church was anxious (and not just feeding off Simmons’ anxieties -- _actually_ anxious because--)

Simmons stepped into the room and slammed the door shut behind him. (It wasn’t just his room it was also Grif’s he needed to check if Grif was in here and probably eating fucking Cheeto’s like the fatass he was--)

They were alone.

Most of Simmons’ anxiety ebbed out. His head stopped pounding.

Immediately, many things were clear to him:

1\. Church preferred being called Church by his teammates and Epsilon by Carolina because he thought of Carolina as his sister because he was technically her dad (what the fuck what the _fuck_) but he also liked going by Leo but never Leonard and never Doctor because that was too much like the Director who he technically was and who was Carolina’s actual dad (no, seriously, what the _fuck_?).

2\. Church knew that Simmons liked being called Richard but still preferred to be called Dick by most people (how was this now clicking he hadn’t thought this earlier what the fuck was happening) because his father went by Richard and his father was fucking awful except maybe if Grif called him Richard that would be the one exception because of the simple fact that Grif was Grif.

3\. Church had a big thing dealing with his personal identity in which he simultaneously believed he was his own individual but also recognizing himself as made of numbers and as a refracted version of someone else. He chose to ignore the whole Dissociative Identity Disorder thing as much as possible because that acknowledged Sigma’s presence within him and also other things like the fact that he actually was just a fraction of a whole which wasn’t a good feeling because while he still _had_ feelings, they never felt entirely like his own. Besides, he lived in other people’s heads. Having other people live in a head within a head was something best left ignored.

4\. Simmons could see the numbers behind Church’s composition, as well as the way they warped unnaturally. They changed, altering themselves on a second-to-split-second basis, following no algorithm he was familiar with. It was a living code. (He emphasized ‘living’ for Church.)

5\. Simmons was an extremely anxious person. Church wasn’t as anxious, but he fed off other people’s emotions, which meant he was feeding off Simmons’ anxiety. Simmons had already figured this out. Church was only now figuring it out. This made him anxious.

6\. Simmons was completely and utterly in love with Grif, and had been for quite some time.

7\. Simmons hadn’t known this.

8\. What the fuck he _hadn’t known this_.

9\. He was in fucking love with his _best friend and he’d had no fucking idea._

10\. This fact hurt Church because he was completely and utterly in love with Simmons.

It was like a punch to the gut.

No-- not that. A punch to the gut was too familiar a feeling for this.

It was like finding out you had been in love with someone for years while simultaneously finding out that someone you hadn’t known very well was in fucking love with you.

“Um,” he said. “You… you…”

“You don’t need to lose your shit,” Church interrupted. They were both _talking_ now, but it seemed… perfunctory. Not necessary, seeing as they could feel everything. Because Simmons had opened himself up entirely. “It’s not…” _Not a big deal_.

But it was. They both knew this, and they both were aware the other knew this.

Still, Church didn't close himself off. He was defensive, but… he wasn’t trying to hide anything. He was being honest, direct. Leaving himself open.

It was refreshing.

Simmons released a small snort. “Uh. Wow. Okay. Well, you know. I think we should… probably. Talk about this?”

Church swallowed and nodded. “Right. Can’t say I have much practice in that as… _me_ me.”

Simmons stepped further into the room, moving to sit at the edge of his bed. “So you… love me.”

He knew this. Knew it as a fact, knew it as confidently as Church.

Church still answered. “Yes.”

“And I’m… I’m in love with Grif.”

“Also yes.” It was a weird sensation, his mouth still talking like this, holding a conversation by itself. Their voices had even seemed to meld together, so it really did sound like he was talking to himself. Church pressed a hand against his knee. “Yeah, it is weird. I’ve never done this before. But yeah. You’re in love with Grif.”

Simmons pulled his other hand through his hair. It seemed obvious, now. All these years by each other’s side, rarely going more than a couple hours without talking. His thoughts tended to revolve around the man, anchoring on his opinion of Simmons, on his _relationship_ with him. He’d even do those stupid, unnecessary touches -- some he’d claim as an accident when they brushed hands while walking, while talking, while eating, while doing _anything_ together where he thought he could somehow get away with it. Wanting Grif to be by his side on that stupid, short as fuck supply run.

“Yeah, it was pretty fuckin’ obvious,” Church piped up.

“Shut up!” Simmons glared at the wall directly across from him. “You’re an asshole.”

“Uh, yeah. I noticed.”

Simmons rolled his eyes. But Church wasn’t denying anything. He accepted the fact that Simmons loved Grif, even though it hurt him.

“You know,” said Simmons, “I’d expect you to be far less emotionally mature.”

“Hey. I’m an AI. AIs are mature as fuck.” He smirked. “But, all things considered, you too. I honestly expected you to, I dunno, pass out from embarrassment. Maybe even die.” Simmons let the flicker of amusement settle in. “I’ll just blame it on the fact that you’re a cyborg. I appoint you an Honorary AI.”

Simmons actually laughed at that. It tore through them both unexpectedly, cutting short as fast as it had started. Simmons didn't miss the pleased feeling emanating from Church, a shimmer of delight from the reaction he’d gotten. Then again, Church wasn’t hiding anything.

He actually did like Church.

He still didn't know him that well (well, he knew a fuck-ton more than before given that they were currently together), but what he did know, he liked. 

“Okay,” he said, the word coming out in a sigh. “Well. You know I like you.”

“Everyone likes me.”

“I don’t like you anymore.”

Church made a surprised, wet sound before smiling and sticking his tongue out. “_Yes you fucking do. I’m great._”

He lifted his hands. “You caught me. But, seriously I… yeah, I do. And um, obviously I know that you like me.”

Church hummed in affirmation, opting out of making another sarcastic comment. “I do.”

“I think I’m…” Simmons leaned back and exhaled slowly. He didn't know if Grif loved him back. Not to mention, he was terrified of losing their friendship. But… this. Seemed. It seemed in reach. Plausible. Perhaps not exactly logical -- Church was still an AI. It was unorthodox.

But Church was a person.

And Simmons was a person.

And, well, right now they were one person.

He could feel Church examining his line of thought, picking apart each word and examining it, trying to understand.

Sometimes, you just had to say, “Fuck it,” and go.

“Do you wanna try something?” said Simmons.

The words poured out almost unbidden, and Simmons was left not entirely sure what, exactly, they were suggesting.

Church stopped the sorting he’d been doing moments earlier, letting the new words sink in, letting the sentiment behind them follow. Simmons could sense his curiosity -- he wanted to ask what Simmons was thinking, but he was already aware that this was different, that Simmons hadn’t fully thought this through. His usual analysis, formulas, plans were disregarded within the space of one question. “Well… sometimes you just have to say, ‘Fuck it,’ right?” Church mused. “So-- fuck it. Why not?”

Church’s own thoughts and emotions were buzzing; nervous, excited. He was reading Simmons, untangling his thoughts like they were code, holding them up and gripping them tight. Simmons liked him, _trusted_ him enough to jump headfirst into figuring out their potential relationship. Gratitude sparked along the edge of their minds, beams of hope gleaming through each burst. Church was optimistic -- a tentative optimism that told Simmons Church believed he had a chance, that while Simmons would continue to love Grif, perhaps there was room for him to love Church, too.

It seemed that his hope for what could be wasn’t alone.

Church wanted to prove himself, prove that he was worth this time and effort despite the irregularity of their circumstances.

As Simmons parsed through those thoughts, he felt himself become more and more flustered. ‘Fuck it,’ was easy enough to say, easy enough to _want_, but he still wasn’t even sure what it was he wanted. And having someone in you, someone who was understanding you in your entirety, spilling their thoughts with yours… 

Church could feel Simmons’ anxiety freezing him in place. He didn't know what he wanted, never knew how-- _had_ never done something like this before.

Following a quick, questioning prod from the AI, Simmons allowed Church to thread his way back into Simmons’ body, taking control of each muscle, each tendon, each bone.

He slowly laid back against the bed.

Church’s moves were slow, tender. Every action played out in their minds for reassurance, moving further, deeper with every affirmation. It pulled Simmons to his brink, fulfilling him in ways he could never do on his own. With control relinquished, he was left truly feeling like it was Church pulling at the neckline of his shirt, ghosting his fingers along his flesh, gently gripping his collarbone. Every touch was deliberate, sending desperate waves of ecstasy through Church as he registered the contact, felt it like he was the one made of flesh and bone.

Simmons felt cared for. Safe. The feeling was unusual, unfamiliar after years of being on edge, of looking over his shoulder and expecting someone to hurt him, kill him, break him.

As Church continued, brushing his hands along his throat, Simmons released a placid sigh.

A static flare cut in Simmons’ mind as Church contorted at the soft sound, his presence momentarily blipping at Simmons’ audible gratification. The remnants of apprehension fled Church’s mind, and his movements became more determined.

His hand worked its way up his neck, grazing against each muscle and tendon with eager precision, sending chilling ripples down Simmons’ spine. He closed his eyes, leaving himself vulnerable as his sighs grew to deeper moans.

Church hadn’t realized that Simmons would be this… vocal. It was pretty fucking hot.

The bluntness behind the thought made Simmons purse his lips, suddenly self-conscious. He didn't know what was normal, what was expected in situations like this. Even though he could sense the pleasure behind Church’s words, he was still uncertain about how to feel -- if it was something he’d need to stop. If it was actually acceptable.

“Hey, it’s… it is, alright? So you should, uh, do that more,” Church offered, his tone comforting. Even still, Simmons could feel Church’s embarrassment for his own pleading tone underneath. 

Simmons found himself relishing in that tone, succumbing to the reassurances. He threaded his mind through Church’s thoughts, the AI letting him take everything in with soothing warmth, letting him see _if just touching his neck got this kind of reaction, what would happen if…?_

Every sound that escaped Simmons in breathy gasps was driving Church to his edge, making him want to push further. Simmons was losing himself, leaving himself unguarded, permitting Church to go even further without question.

Church opened their mouth. “Take off your shirt,” he commanded softly.

He released the reins on Simmons’ functions. 

Simmons swarmed back in a rush, almost dazed by the sudden shift. Even still, he could understand, could read into Church’s thoughts to understand his desire for mutuality even while he led (Simmons glanced further there, curious, and saw a tightly wound ball of fear and trepidation and more self-doubt; the need for control stemming deeper into a need to understand he actually _could_ control, could act independently, could choose to take those better paths. Simmons grazed against it, understanding. Church nudged him back, appreciative.).

Simmons timidly reached for the bottom of his shirt, ready to follow the order efficiently and quickly because he didn't want to overthink this again and--

Church sent a warm, calming pulse to halt his panic. “‘S’alright,” he offered, his voice bordering on a tease that he somehow knew would make Simmons settle, relax. “No different from getting ready for bed, right?”

Simmons huffed, a small grin tracing his lips. “Right,” he repeated back. 

When he started pulling upwards, Church lowered his voice and added, “… Slowly.”

Simmons swallowed, his throat turning dry. He resisted the urge to nod, allowing Church to shift his gaze so his eyes trained just below his hands as the fabric lifted to gradually reveal his torso.

Simmons had seen his own body before, obviously. But to have someone else ogle him, using his own eyes to take him in hungrily, sensing Church’s yearning to examine him more closely… it was strange, to say the least. He tried to think of something to reduce the rapidly rising uneasiness.

“… Like what I see?” he said, heat rising to his cheeks as he gave Church a tentative grin, fully removing his shirt and placing it to their side.

Church abruptly laughed. “That-- that was--” _pretty funny, and kinda cute_ he finished as a thought. “But yeah. A lot, actually.” He honestly couldn’t get enough of it.

Church licked their lips. It somehow made their position more intimate, the sensation of having Church moving the muscle as Simmons felt it simultaneously -- it was something new, almost akin to his first time making out. Except this was… essentially with himself.

Simmons released a small, beseeching whimper.

Church, interest piqued, exploratorily ran his tongue along their canines before lightly biting down on their lower lip.

Simmons tensed his muscles and clenched his jaw, effectively freezing his body in place as he took in the feeling.

Another feeling swelled within him. Between his inner thighs, there was a twitch.

Church and Simmons blinked.

Church took the moment of vacancy as an opportunity to control his hands before anxieties about their hard-on could stall Simmons out again. He grazed the cybernetic one featherlight against his pecs, indulging in the unique contrast of hot skin to cool metal. He moved the other hand down his sternum, tantalizingly slow, rising and falling across the landscape of muscle and scars gained over years of training and war.

Simmons took a staggered breath when his fingers trailed across his hip bone and further down, teasing, hinting where Church craved to go.

His skin flushed, blood pooling under the surface and pumping toward his groin. Heat laced his skin from the lust Church was emanating throughout. Two minds molded, intertwined with desire and folding their converging wants amplified their senses, made everything burn with untamed ecstasy.

Simmons… wouldn’t mind getting used to this.

The desire between them spiraled, fleshing out symbiotically in a way far more enjoyable than the cycling embarrassment of before.

Out of habit, Church sorted through Simmons’ thoughts one more time, probing for reassurance that it was okay to go further.

Simmons paused, his breath shuttering slightly. 

His response came in another unthinking action as he pushed his hand down his boxers, curling his fingers around his hardened shaft. Church’s euphoric surprise beat through him in a wave, magnifying the feeling. It grew even more as Simmons tipped his chin up and whispered, “Leo…”

Church’s mind radiated, clutching onto the sound like a lifeline. Hearing his name falling so intimately from Simmons’ lips was… special. Just for him.

He wanted Simmons’ to understand the feeling first-hand, not just through the vicarious nature of their interlocked minds.

Cautiously, he began to stroke their hand downward, lowly moaning, “Dick,” in return.

“Hey man, I-- Simmons, what the _fuck_?!”

They’d been too… _distracted_ to notice the door open.

_Fuck_, they both thought. Embarrassment thrust through them, followed on tail by disappointment.

Simmons scrambled to grab his shirt, the blanket, anything to cover what he could, as if that would somehow discount the fact that Grif obviously saw his hands all over himself.

Grif’s eyes were wide, and the patch of Simmons’ skin on his face was bright red. Simmons could only imagine how he looked by comparison. “Dude… next time, put a sock on the door,” Grif mumbled. His gaze shot downwards, and he quickly retreated, pulling the door to a close behind him.

Church and Simmons exhaled.

“Well,” said Church, and then proceeded to say nothing else..

Simmons snorted.

Church immediately broke out in laughter. “Shit,” he said, and Simmons doubled over, clutching at his chest.

“So... you seemed to be enjoying yourself,” Church said, grin intact. “Before we were so rudely interrupted, I mean.”

“Whatever, asshole,” said Simmons, still trying to pull himself together. “Like you weren't enjoying it, too.”

Church hummed softly. “Yeah, you could say that.”

Simmons rolled the past events through his mind. The moment was ruined in a sense, even as amusement and gaiety boiled through them. It was a different moment now, given how Grif had thoroughly dismantled the sensual passion of before.

Even still, he wanted something further, wanted to hear Church’s response, hear him use his lips in that same way he had moaned his name. Simmons desired the intimacy, that drive of before, but he wanted _more_. Wanted him in a way that delved deeper than the physical, _needed_ more of the coexistence that left him feeling breathless, safe.

“Maybe we should… reconvene? Sometime later?”

Church suffused with emotion, elated that, despite their previous interruption, Simmons’ didn't simply want to ignore it, act as though nothing had happened at all. Such behavior would’ve been par for his course, based on what Church had glimpsed, what Simmons had allowed him to see. But Simmons was giving Church a chance -- he _wanted more_. More of him. More of _them_.

“That’s…,” Church offered softly, still reveling in the feeling but not wanting to push Simmons for too much. “Maybe sooner rather than later.” He ran his hand across the bedsheet, paralleling the feeling by grazing tendrils of tranquility against Simmons’ synapses. “If you’d like to, that is.”

Simmons offered a genuine smile. “Yeah. I think I would.”

\----------

Church returned to Tucker not long after. The other man had just left Wash’s room, and Church couldn’t even bring himself to wonder what, exactly, he’d told told the former Freelancer. 

Tucker released a small surge of surprise upon Church’s return. The sensation was muted compared to his merger with Simmons of before, more innocent.

“_Innocent?_” Tucker thought at him, bemused. “_Can’t say I’ve heard that one before._”

Church gave him the notion of rolling his eyes and flipping him off. Even still, he couldn’t hide the delight radiating throughout him.

Tucker stopped walking, glancing curiously at his shoulder even though Church hadn’t projected himself there. “Dude,” he said, “I have never felt so much second-hand happiness in my life. I should have Cy-boy babysit your ass more often so I don't have to deal with your brooding shit.”

Church projected himself to cross his arms over his chest and stare at Tucker. “Yeah,” he retorted, sounding far more confident than he felt. “Tomorrow sounds good.”

Tucker snorted, lifting a brow. “Oh, _wow_ \-- you drop me like a hat like that? You want him so bad,” he said, and his voice pitched up slightly in his tell-tale way before, “bow-chicka--”

Church interrupted him before he could go any further, letting some of his smugness filter through their connection. “No, seriously. He said he'd take me tomorrow night for a few hours.”

“Wait,” said Tucker. “It sounds like… it sounds…” He took a deep breath. “It sounds like _you’re_ taking _him._ To _church_. Except he’s gonna be on his knees praying for--”

“Tucker, give me one good reason not to fry your brain like an omelette.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize. bit does not (seeing as she was the Smut Doctor)


	2. #ChurchThings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, red and I collaborated in a google doc for this fic. Here are additional notes and musings that may or may not have made it into the real story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah this is what our collective thought process looks like. it makes sense. trust us.

"Yeah, so let's cut to the chase. You and I both know what we're thinking. How does an AI have sexual relations with the host he's currently attached to? I mean, scientifically speaking, we should probably investigate this, Church."

Church stammered. "W-w-what?" He wasn't expecting Simmons to be this... straightforward, even with his intense curiosity about such things.

Simmons flopped onto his back and stretched his arms out, signifying to Church that he should take control of his motor functions at that point.

"Do your worst, you slutty AI."

Church could feel himself short-circuiting inside of Simmons' brain. But that didn't stop him. He's wanted this for a while now, and Simmons obviously wanted it, too.

But Church was clearly not in control of himself, given his embarrassment, and in trying to move Simmons' arm to start touching his chest sensually, smacked it violently into his face.

"OW! What the FUCK, Church?!"

"Sorry, sorry!" exclaimed Church, even more flustered than before. Simmons felt sorry for the guy, er, AI, and was like, "It's okay, dude. Let me show you how it's done."

He flexed his awesome cyborg arm and they both immediately came.

_ Fin. _

* * *

"Fuckin gay for u?"

"Yep." church popped the P like everyone does when they're a confident fuck. like u

Yep-PUH.

Yepperoonieeeee

\---- cut to tucker and church walkin around or whatever

* * *

When they were done laughing like the idiots that they were, Church gRABBED THEIR DICK AGAIN WOOP WOOPPsighed happilysjad

"So… how fast u want me to stroke this badboy?"

“How fast can ur code run without blippin’ out?”

"I guess we'll just have to find out."

Thankfully, with Simmons' last upgrade, his arm had extra RAM installed to be able to handle overclocking his unit, in more ways than one.

And Church _ really _ wanted to overclock the fuck out of him. hey

bich

get in a floofy mindset

before i fuckn Destroy simmongton out of sPITE

(we were working on washXsimmons fic at the same time...)

* * *

and then they fuked again idk and then Simmons doubled over to more easily reach his dik with his own mouth, continuing where they left off.

Ur gonna burn in hell

Das ok i'm takin u wit me

Ok at least i know da party won’t stop there

* * *

Simmons pondered for a moment during the silence. "Church... do you think if Grif joined us next time, it would count as a threesome?" Inquisitive as always. Church fucking loved it. Except it was about that loser Grif. So he didn't.

i shulda killed u wen i had da chance. gtfo

Hi

Ijustgotoutofmeeting

And wrote this during it.

I didn't laugh or lose. Thx for POPS<333

I’m fuckin shook well done. Props to u STFU BICH <3

* * *

Simmons felt cared for. Safe. The feeling was unusual, unfamiliar after years of being on edge, of looking over his shoulder and expecting someone to hurt him, kill him, break him. **And Church was going to do the latter. But in a sexy way. Like with sex. Which he was going to do to him. To break him. ** ** _In. _ ** **(like in his butt) ((using dat sexy cyborg arm)) (((yes.))) Simmons shouted, "Wow! I'm so glad Dr. Grey decided to add voice-activated pump-action piston mechanisms to my arm! It's so good for FISTING!" Especially since it goes off all the time because Simmons is a LOUD SEXY BICH. He screamed Church's name, "LEO! LEO!!" which as we learned earlier is what Church preferred to be called. Especially in a sexy way like this. Church could feel the logic oozing from the tip of his programming, numbers pouring out in droves. He couldn't control himself for much longer. Church lowered his voice, sounding all sexy-like and manly. Even though it was in Simmons' brain and not said out loud. "Say it again, ** ** _Dick_ ** **." And Simmons did, activating his arm to pump into him again. "That's right. I'm the fuckin' best. 'Cause I'm Church. But you're gonna keep calling me Leo 'cause I like that. So say it again, BICH."**

* * *

### SEXY, **SEXY **CYBORG/AI SMUT CONTINUES HERE

///////////

(the original shitty wording by bit, and then red took over and made it legit)

Simmons wasn't sure exactly what he was suggesting. Which is why Church wasn't sure, either.

"Well... sometimes you just have to say, 'Fuck it,' right?" Church mused. "So-- fuck it. Why not?" He would have asked what Simmons is thinking, but, well. He already knew Simmons didn't fully think this through like he normally did. Simmons carefully analyzed situations, had a formula, some sort of plan.

But Simmons liked him, <i>trusted</i> him enough to jump to working out their potential relationship without any forethought. Church felt a spark of gratitude, a radiant beam of hope glean through their minds.

// Maybe he really <i>did</i> stand a chance against Grif-- maybe there was room for Simmons to love him, too.

// Maybe he <i>did</i> stand a chance-- he could feel Simmons mentally shifting and clearing out a space in his mind just for him. A space big enough for his love to reside. Although tentative, Church recognized that the feeling of hope wasn't being produced solely by him.

Church would try his best to show that he could be worth the time, effort, and irregularity of their circumstance. He nodded to himself and Simmons as if to affirm this commitment.

Simmons became increasingly flustered as he parsed through Church's thoughts. And also because he was still deciding what he meant by his suggestion to try something.

Feeling Simmons' anxiety freezing his thoughts, Church coursed through to completely take control of his body. He slowly laid back against the bed.

Church was slow, tender. (like a chik’n nugget)

It fulfilled Simmons more than he could have imagined, more than when he would make the same movements on his own. Even though it was his hand, it truly felt like Church was pulling at the neckline of his shirt, caressing him, gently gripping his collarbone.

Simmons felt cared for. Safe. Desired. He let out a quiet, content sigh at the touch.

The sound sent a wave of thrill through Church, Simmons' sensual display of gratification nearly short-circuiting him. Church's apprehension faded, his movements becoming more determined.

His hand worked its way up his neck, grazing and investigating each muscle and tendon along its journey, sending ripples of chills down Simmons' back. The sighs started evolving into faintly louder moans.

// Simmons was a noisy lil bitch and Church fucking loved it.

Church didn't realize that Simmons would be this... vocal. It was pretty fucking hot.

The bluntness of the thought caused Simmons to purse his lips tightly, self-conscious about the discovery. Church snapped his mouth back open to speak.

"Hey, it's... it is, alright? So you should, uh, do that more," he offered, comforting yet embarrassed at how it sounded like pleading. But he couldn't help wonder: if merely touching his neck elicited this kind of reaction, what would happen if...?

Every sound that breathily escaped from him nearly drove Church over the edge, wanting to push for more. He could feel Simmons start to lose himself, unknowingly permitting Church to go as far as he wanted to without question. While Church didn't want to take advantage of that sentiment, he also didn't want to lose this opportunity to prove his capabilities of satisfying Simmons.

"Take off your shirt," he commanded softly.

// Church could obviously do it himself. But uh. This sounds hotter. Lmao i mean u rite

He released the reigns on Simmons' functions, hoping that while he lead the initiative, it would be a more mutual experience. Simmons timidly reached down to grab the hem of his shirt, ready to follow the order efficiently and quickly because he was starting to overthink this again and--

Church sent a pulse of comfort and calm to halt his thoughts. "It's alright. No different from getting ready for bed, right?"(not churchy enough) he said warmly.

Simmons hesitated for a moment before pulling upwards, when Church lowered his voice and added "... Slowly."

Simmons swallowed, his throat becoming dry at the demand. Church trained his eyes just below his hands as the fabric lifted to gradually revealed his torso, hungrily taking in the sight.

Simmons has seen his own body before, obviously. But to have someone else ogle him, through his own eyes, and be able to feel how much Church wanted to, uh, examine his features more closely... it was strange, to say the least. Simmons tried to think of something to say to reduce the awkward tension that began to rise.

"... Like what I see?" he said coyly, fully removing his shirt and placing it to their side.

Church abruptly laughed. "That, that was--," <i>pretty funny, and kinda cute</i> he finished as a thought. "But, yeah, a lot, actually." cHuRcH cOuLdN’t gEt eNoUgH oF iT das rite bich

Church licked his lips. Simmons' lips. It was like Simmons was making out for the first time. Except with himself. Simmons whimpered. Church was intrigued. He exploratorily ran his tongue along his teeth, then lightly bit his lower lip.

Simmons froze their movements again, except for a twitch that he nor Church had any control over between his inner thighs. Church blinked. Simmons blinked.

Church took the moment of vacancy as an opportunity to control his hands, before anxieties about his hard-on could stall out Simmons again. He grazed the cybernetic one lightly across his pecs, indulging in the unique sensation. The other hand moved down his sternum, tantalizingly slow, rising and falling across the landscape of muscle and scars gained over years of training and war.

Simmons took a staggered breath when his fingers trailed across his hip bone and further down, teasing, hinting where Church wanted to go.

His skin flushed. It was hot. Not just from the blood pumping down to his groin, but from the lust Church was pushing throughout his entire being. Having two horny guys inside a single body amplifies the fuck out of the feeling. (fix thx) It was ecstasy.

Yeah. Simmons wouldn't mind getting used to this.

Church knowing Simmons wanted more made himself want more. It was a symbiotically-inflicted cycle (i doubt this makes sense but whatev) that was so much more enjoyable than the embarrassment cycle they had spiraled into before.

Out of habit, Church sorted through Simmons' thoughts one more time, probing for reassurance that it was okay to go further. Simmons paused at first. He then responded to Church by boldly placing his palm across his dick. Church was shocked at the forwardness, but pleasantly surprised at the advance. And even more so when Simmons whispered, "Leo..."

Another twitch, below and above (fIX). Church felt his heart swell. Hearing his name, so intimately falling from Simmons' lips was... special. Just for him. He wanted to Simmons to feel that first-hand, not just vicariously through him.

He cautiously began to stroke his hand downward, lowly moaning, "Richard...," in return.

"Hey man, I-- Simmons, what the fuck?!"

Simmons did a think, as he does. (The moment was kinda ruined, 'cause Grif fucking ruins everything.) He was pretty sure he already knew what Church's response would be, but he wanted to hear him say it out loud anyway because he loves validation, and also that totally rowdy tone of voice 'cause hearing him say Dick made him lose his fucking mind.

"Maybe we should... reconvene? Sometime later?"

Church swelled up, causing his erection to grow even further.NONONONO It was bulbous, like, it looked like it was gonna straight-up explode. "Explosions?? I'm the man you're looking for!" Andy the Bomb suddenly appeared. I’M LAFF FUK U. (EMOTIONALLY U GUTTER RAT (nah u defo meant his dICK)), blissful at the thought that even though this stupid situation happened where they got caught, Simmons wasn't embarrassed enough to bail and forget it ever happened, as was par for the course, based on what Church had glimpsed at from previous experiences when lookin' inside his noggin. He was honestly giving Church a chance, and _wanted_ _more._ More of him. More of _them_.

"That's...," Church revelled in the feeling, but was still hesitant, not wanting to push Simmons for too much. "Maybe sooner rather than later. If you'd like to, that is."

Simmons offered a genuine smile. "Yeah. I would."

* * *

(original thought process)

They-- they must have been too distracted to notice the door open.

<i>Fuck</i>, they both thought. Embarrassed. And disappointed.

Simmons scrambled to grab his shirt, the blanket, anything to cover himself, as if that would somehow discount the fact that Grif obviously saw his hands all over himself. (ohfuk)

"Dude... next time, put a sock on the door," Grif mumbled and shut the door.

They both exhale, then laugh or something gay and smile cuz they're cuties

Simm: Maybe we should... reconvene?

Church: If you'd like to.

Simm: ... I would.

* * *

Fuk up my butt, said simmons.

Yes, indeedy, Church thought in response, which he thought was slightly homosexual which was A OK because he was homosex. Except he did something gay instead of just thinking it and actually touched simmons' butt.

But hold up a second. It's only gay if balls touch. And since Simmons' balls were _ always _ touching, shouldn't that be an exception to the rule? Church nodded his head, confirming that this logic was undeniable. This was absolutely, 

and they fuked. They did the dirty ooOOoOoOoOooO.

He reveled in the sluttiness of his dirty horny AI self. Code splattered acrossasfjaskldfjsldjskajfdasfd

* * *

"Ch-ch-ch-Church--" Simmons s-s-s-stammered.

"It is okay Richard. I will take care of you." Church said this with a lust filled voice because he was about to try and have the sex with Simmons. But it was masturbation sex but it still counted because there were two people even though one was an AI.

Simmons gave his whole body to Church. Church thought this was awesome because he could do whatever he wanted to, because it was his body now and his choice.

* * *

Church only wishes he could be inside of him in a different way.

Wait, it was a perfect plan. Church ran a subroutine in his mind so Simmons couldn't realize what he was thinking. There was a way. He just needed another body to inhabit. And he knew just the candidate host.

"Hello!" Sarge yelled.

* * *

And Simmons found himself wanting that closeness more than ever. Was it Church thinking this, or Simmons? Their minds were too interconnected for him to really know. But either way, the desire was there. And he wanted to bone himself. I mean Church. Wait, both of those thoughts are pretty fucked up, man.

Either way, here comes the self-cest.

(ohhhhh god)

Simmons felt his body throw itself against the wall, not entirely against his own will. It was as if he was simultaneously in control of his actions and reactions, but not quite. Simmons' hand pressed his own shoulder firmly against the wall, pinning himself. 

Something else began to _ reverberate _ down Simmons' spine. Which caused him to get A NERECTION. Because it was horniness that caused it. As it usually does. He felt another shiver, but it felt like it came from Church. Because Church just came. Like, you know what kind of "came" cuz ur a dirty bich.

* * *

"It's okay, Church. Me neither." offered Simmons sympathetically. "I am a total fucking virgin, afterall."

“Yeah, no shit. Nerd.” #rekt

* * *

Simmons’ body moved to a rock and sat down. He only just realized he wasn't the one controlling the movement.

"Uhhh... Church? Can you stop doing that?"

The voice in his head was, for once, silent. He could feel a bolt of heat shoot through his mind, not unlike the feelings of embarrassment from earlier. But it was a familiar feeling.

His hand started moving to the hem of his shirt, and he stared blankly into space as it took his shirt off.

"............................ uHHHHHHH"

Church was

A

HORNY

FUCKING

GHOST

Simmons was okay with this.

Wait, what?! Was he really? He guessed it was fine. He could just... uh. Imagine Grif doing this? Wait what the fuck no-- but now Church knows he's thinking of Grif and oh god what the fuck is going on guess we'll just let this happen because pLOT

Grif appears at that moment.

"Uh... dude? Where's your shirt?"

Simmons stares dumbfounded at Grif.

Grif walks over to him and pushes him to the ground, straddling him.

"I REALLY LIKE YOUR CYBORG EYE IT'S BADASS"

They smooch and all is right in the world. Meanwhile, Church is basically smoochin' Grif. What the fuck. Oh no.

Church has an Amazing Idea. He jumps over to Grif's brain instead. He fulfills his fantasies of smooching Simms and Simms is None The Wiser.

_ fin _

* * *

Simmons got fucked. The end. He forgot all about grif and lived happily ever after with Church in his head. They dupe'd his code which essentially gave him AI babies to take care of and it was a really weird situation, but the other AIs were there in his head to babysit them, except theta because he was basically a kid too but that's okay because they were already getting babysat.

Dafsjkl;jslkdfgjka;lsdjf;laksjdfglkj;asdf

I CAN'T I'M FUCKING DYUINGDFSAJHKLJDKF

Ohmy

U hav been up to No Good

* * *

Before Simmons could nope the fuck out, Church tried to keep him distracted, moving his robot arm around in circles like a crazy helicopter

* * *

<i>That's</i> not weird. Getting a boner from a voice inside your head that's also totally checking out your bod.

Church grabbed his dick. And they both came instantly.

Church screamed, "HOLY-MOLY ROLLY-POLY!"

Holy shit. Simmons just shit himself ew gross.

And then Church realized he was into scat. #ChurchThings

* * *

\-- iterating through what line sounds most canon

// "Shut up, asshole,"

// **"Whatever, asshole,"**

// "Yeah, whatever, asshole," nope

// fUK

// "Yeah, that Grif guy sure is rude, let's get back to bonin'."

// "Fuck me daddy"

// “fuck me harder, daddy.

(we both typed this at the same time.)


	3. a slightly different retelling of events

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While red was writing the actual fic, I took the liberty of rewording the narrative very slightly.

"I'll come with you!" Church said to Simmons. Simmons was there and he blinked at Church. "What?" said Simmons, confused and thinking about what Church had said.

"You'll do what?" asked Simmons, basically asking the same thing because he was trying to clarify the thing Church had said because he was confused.

Church was sitting on Tucker's shoulder like a spooky ghost but he was really just an AI that was a hologram which was pretty cool and awesome. It was like being Cortana and she's hot in the way where you look at her and know she's not a real lady but you get a boner anyway. But Church wasn't hot or you couldn't tell because his hologram was made of armor.

Church scoffed and Simmons thought that he didn't hear him right, but his hearing was good because of his cool cyborg parts that made him hear good.

Church said, "I said I'll come with you," as if Simmons was a fucking idiot and didn't hear him right the first time even though he knew Simmons had the cool amazing cyborg hearing so he knew that he heard him the first time really well.

Simmons was confused because normally he stays with that idiot Tucker who is kind of dumb and immature, not like Simmons he is really smart and mature all the time. "Are you okay?" he asked Church because this was very odd behavior for Church.

"What?" Church said but his voice raised kind of like how when you go through puberty and it's really embarrassing but Simmons didn't think AIs could go through puberty because they don't have penises and balls so that was kind of strange. "The hell's that supposed to mean?" Church said.

Tucker noticed that he sounded strange and laughed, "You just went up about thirty octaves, dude," which is an exaggeration that Tucker uses sometimes with numbers because he is a dumb fuck and doesn't know how to count.

"Are you going through puberty or some shit? I mean, that would explain why you suddenly wanted to--" said Tucker but Church cut him off because he is so rude and bad. Church does things like this because he is a very rude dude. But he is nice sometimes, although he wouldn't tell you because he tries to make it look like he is cool and a bad boy.

"Shut up!" yelled Church, but his little hologram self disappeared from Tucker's shoulder. He came back right away and was there. "Fuck!" he cursed because he is bad.

"What? Got too flustered? Your wiring overheated because you have a crush--" said Tucker, meaning that he has a crush on someone but he doesn't really know who Church could have a crush on because Tucker is a horn dog and has crushes on everyone but in a sexual way not a romantic way.

Church interrupted him again, because he liked to do that with Tucker a lot. And everyone because he's a douchenozzle.

"Tucker, go fuck yourself!" Church said really embarrassed. Simmons looked at the two idiots because he had no idea what they were talking about, probably because he was an idiot, too. But he was like a smart idiot, the kind of nerdass who read books and played Monopoly with his family and actually tried to win instead of stacking the hotel and house pieces like an awesome tower. But he was dumb about things like relationships because he never had one like the total nerd that he was.

Church was still mad. "Besides, I'm an AI! I can't, uh. Get." and he didn't want to say what he couldn't get because he meant something embarrassing (it was about his crush on Simmons).   


Tucker looked at him funny. Church told him to shut up even though he didn't say anything like an idiot because he was so embarrassed. "Simmons, I'm going with you. I'm sick of being with this perv." Tucker didn't even say anything pervy like talk about his wiener or having intercourse (that's sex but how nerds say it) so it was a strange thing for Church to say.

"You know, I totally didn't have to come here and act like--" said Tucker and Church wanted to finish his sentence and say, "like a bitch" because he is that bad. But he didn't do that because he just wanted to get out of his brain because he was stuck there. Actually he could just go to Simmons but he didn't want to be rude and just go inside him all willy-nilly. He was bad but not that bad.

Simmons interrupted them this time (he's also kind of a dick but not like Church). "If I take you will you both stop being weird?" They were just going to get water, anyone can do that, even Grif but that lazy ass couldn't even do that, because he is very lazy and makes Simmons do everything for him, even if he could do it himself. Grif is also bad but in a different way than everyone else.

"Yes," said Church right away because he had a big gigantic crush on Simmons and wanted to be with him forever.

"Oh, he certainly won't," said Tucker because he was trying to be funny about Church being weird, which was funny and true because Church was weird.

"Fuck you!" Church yelled, again, because he is so bad he has to curse all the time to prove it to everyone and God himself.

Simmons and Church weren't really friends or very close. Simmons wasn't really friends with anyone but Grif because they are stuck at the hip but not in a sex kind of way, so this made him feel really awkward to have another man inside him (not sex again). He wished that Grif was there to make Church the third wheel even though he was inside his own head because it was really awkward and strange.

Simmons felt like this was a really bad idea, he dealt with O'Malley before and it was the only time an AI was in his head, and it was weird. He didn't like it one bit, because even though he got to sound badass for the first time in his life (he told Grif to suck it and also called Sarge a cocksucker but he didn't want to really), he was scared about Church finding his deepest darkest secrets in his brain. He didn't even want to admit them out loud to anyone because he had a crush on somebody, and it was embarrassing because that somebody was really lazy and stupid and he wasn't sure why he liked him so much.

"Wait--" said Simmons and he put his hands up so it was in an X formation kind of like the X men comics but without being as cool. He did this timeout pose and it made him look like a Grade A loser when he froze in place while Church took over his brain. As if putting his hand up was going to stop an AI from going inside, Simmons was not as smart as he thought he was.

Tucker looked at Simmons and his funny stance and waited for him to fall over after Church went inside of his brain.

Simmons was really mad because he could barely deal with his own brain overheating from thinking about hot things like Grif eating hot dogs or when all the wires coming from his computer and the router and the modem were all lined up straight and color coded because nerdy things like that really got his juices flowing. And now having another computer guy living in his head with him was too much, it was a Blue team thing which is not unlike the Blue Man Group because its a bunch of idiots in blue making a mess and doing weird shit. Simmons was a cyborg which means he was also weird but in a totally badass way except when he was being a virgin loser. Having Church in his head where he normally could keep his private thoughts to himself was like Germany invading Poland and starting WW2 except Grif was the USSR sitting in the back waiting to pop in at any moment.

"Simmons, chill the fuck out. You're gonna make me go Theta or some shit from, I dunno, second-hand anxiety." and Church said 'go Theta' like he was going to turn into the Hulk, but it wasn't cool because it was just some kid that lived in his head that liked to skateboard.

Simmons liked skateboarding too so he chilled the fuck out like Church said. Then he was curious about what Church meant because he liked the Hulk and the other Avengers so he started asking really nerdy questions like he usually does. "Theta? That’s one of the other AIs, right? You're technically memory and all, but does that mean you inherited the others? Wait, when you say go Theta, do you mean memories or you’ll _actually_</i> become another AI because that would be an extremely interesting development seeing it would prove the individuality of and _psychological_ capabilities of what would be initially perceived as a mere piece of technology but Dissociative Identities are a strictly human experience so--" and holy shit can this guy talk.

Simmons' head started feeling warm like when he had really hot chicken noodle soup but it still tasted good so he ate all of it fast and made him sweat. He was confused again and didn't know why this was happening because he hasn't had soup in like a month.

He realized it was because Church probably ate soup instead. Wait no it felt more like when Simmons had to do a class presentation in front of some girls because he was really bad at talking to them, actually it didn't matter what gender because he was a helpless socially inept fool in front of everyone ever. Oh shit it's because Church was embarrassed and he could feel it. He finally understood after minutes of standing with Tucker apparently just sitting there staring at him the whole time.

But now he was freaking out because he knew that Church was embarrassed and this made him feel the same way but that made Church feel more that way which made him feel more that way too, and they kept up this pattern like some messed up merry-go-round that isn't even fun because it was like the only seat left on it is the sleigh and they had to sit in that, but only weaklings go on the sleigh because it doesn't even move and it's really lame and boring. Except this wasn't boring because they were still freaking out which was exciting but in a really bad way, and Simmons was having a meltdown like a piece of chocolate that he left on the car dashboard during the summer.

Tucker snapped his fingers to bring the space cadets back to planet Earth, that's just a saying though because they were on a different planet because they were space marines and liked to travel a lot. Simmons and Church were both surprised in their head but Simmons was also surprised physically too because of his body.

"Are you both good in there? What was all that nerd-talk about?" Tucker said, making fun of Simmons for being a nerd again because he definitely was one. "Wait, did you stop because Church told you--" but he stopped talking because he knew Church would be really mad at him for telling Simmons right to his face about his big gay crush. Church wanted to be the one to tell Simmons this so that it was more romantic because Tucker ruined everything with all of his sexual innuendos, mostly because they weren't even good innuendos in the first place.

Church showed up on Simmons' shoulder because he was now in Simmons' head and could do this. He could have done this while in Tucker's head too but he was too shy at the time to just jump right over and be next to him, but now he had an excuse to do it. "I didn't _say_ anything, _Tucker_." Except he just did because he said that.

"You're annoyed," said Simmons because he could tell from Church's tone of voice that he was annoyed, and also because he could feel it too because that's how the AI stuff worked.

"Yeah, that's a side-effect," said Tucker because he knew all about it and was a master of the craft of having an AI. "He's perpetually annoyed, so you will be, too." Tucker knew this because he had to deal with Church being an annoying ass all the time but they were bros so he thought it was funny, except when Church was being mean.

Simmons didn't know why they had to make such a big deal out of this whole situation, he could just use his big awesome cyborg arm to get the water all by himself. But Church just wanted to hang out with him or whatever so he was going to do that probably, Simmons still didn't know about his crush so he thought they were all just being weird, himself included.

Church's little hologram disappeared like Princess Leia after she gave the message to Luke and the gang and Simmons thought that was so cool because he's a huge nerd as everyone knows but that was also cool to people who aren't nerds too like Tucker. Simmons thought about the technology and other smart things about how Church's programming worked and how he could jump around like a frog into people's lilypad brains.

But then he felt Church go really deep inside (it's really not sex just reminding again) and to Simmons it felt like holding hands. It felt like this to him because it's all his brain could come up with since he really didn't even know what holding hands felt like because not even his mom would hold his hand when he was a kid because he would get sick all the time and his mom was a germaphobe. Simmons always wanted to hold hands with Grif which he just thought inside but Church was inside and could think that too and that means he knew about Simmons wanting to hold hands with Grif, so Simmons started freaking out again. And then Simmons came up with more naughty thoughts about where he could feel Church aside from just holding hands (like down there; this time it's sex) and this made Church feel funny so he stopped thinking so Simmons couldn't know about his crush on him still.

Church took over his body like Simmons was a Gundam which he kind of was but only the robot parts, and Church was in the cockpit at the controls and made him walk away. "Bye, Tucker," Church said for them and somehow made it sound like Church even though it was using Simmons' own vocal cords.

Church walked their body (it was now THEIR body instead of just Simmons' because they both shared it like how we're all taught to when we learn manners) and made it go to the place where the water was. Simmons thought it was weird that he both didn't know from his own brain where the water was, and also did know because Church knew, which means he now knew but he didn't know in the first place. Simmons wasn't used to using his brain this much except when he was trying to sound smart, but this was just getting water so he didn't feel the need to impress anyone right now especially since Sarge or Grif weren't around.

"_Okay, look, I get this is new for you,_" said Church inside his head to try and explain how all this works to Simmons and get him to understand, but when Church talked in his head it freaked Simmons out even more because if he could hear Church's thoughts then Church could hear his and if he thought about his big crush on this unnamed lazy fuck who liked Oreos then Church would know about it oh no!!-- "_SIMMONS SHUT UP GODAMMIT_." Church said this really fast to get Simmons to stop thinking and using up their brain bandwidth because they only had dial-up when Simmons was being a moron. (They had a shared plan so they shouldn't use all their data like that or else they have to pay extra at the end of the month.)

Church stopped them from walking so Simmons could have a turn because sharing is caring. Simmons thought it was really weird that Church wanted to share because normally he is a selfish guy at least to him, even though he probably wasn't always all the time with friends. "Uh, sorry! This is... um, this is weird," said Simmons because it was.

Church laughed and Simmons thought it was sexy. Normally Simmons didn't think his voice was sex-filled so he thought it might be because Church had a Trojan virus that was trying to install in his brain and make him think of sexy things. It was probably from Tucker downloading porn into Church without anti-virus software like the irresponsible pervert that he is.

"_Yeah, imagine being me. This is my life. Unless, I’m, y’know. Possessing a person or robot._" said Church, and Simmons felt left out because he didn't say cyborg but he didn't feel so bad because he fell in between the binary of person and robot. But they should really add "C" to the list of LGBT+ just for him to feel included, but he wasn't sure who to ask to do that.

"Uh, right," said Simmons because he didn't want Church to feel bad. "Sorry. That must be. Um. Hard. Sorry." because even though Church was in his head, Simmons really didn't get what it was to be only a computer, even though he spent 14 hours a day on one as a nerdling child and he might as well be a computer. Sometimes he wished he was one because he could be in a video game surrounded by hot 3D models of people and could spend all day there instead of around his Frankenstein friend (that's Grif because he has part of his face and arm and leg like a freak but Simmons still thought sexy things about him anyway).

Church hummed a little ditty and it made Simmons feel good because of Church's sexy voice, which he still wasn't sure he thought of it as sexy on his own or if it was because his brain was still getting infected by the impurities of lust. Simmons reminded himself to pray twice as hard when he went to bed that night.

"_Don’t worry about it. It’s… still taking some getting used to. Even though technically I’ve always been… AI. Yeah._" Church was being really open and honest which Simmons didn't think could ever happen with how much of a dickwad he normally is. It was because Church couldn't hide anything from him because they were sharing his mind and now Simmons was starting to question why Church wanted to get in his head in the first place. Simmons is blind as a bat when it comes to emotions except bats aren't blind so he was basically just flapping around a bunch of caves like an idiot and each cave was a different emotion that he would get lost in but he didn't have a map so he couldn't find his way out. And also bats can't read maps anyway so he was FUBAR. He just wanted to know why Church wanted to go with him so bad but he would have to wait until Church tells him about it later.

Church was worried that Simmons would find out about him being deeply in love with him and wanting to get an apartment together so he got embarrassed again, but he didn't want Simmons to freak out so he stopped right away. "_You’re super fucking loud, you know?_" (he meant Simmons thought way too much and took up all the space for thinking which made it sound loud because it was the only thing Church could hear) "_And you can just ask. I... don't mind._" He only meant asking about Church wanting to go with him which Church was trying really hard to build the courage up to say why but he hadn't yet because he would have just said it already instead of pussyfooting around. But he was a pussy about it so that's what he did, even though he was really brave about other things. He was bad with emotions like Simmons was.

Simmons blinked because he thought he had something in his eye, but it was actually because his brain felt like it was melting from being overwhelmed by all of the stuff Church was thinking but not thinking clearly enough for Simmons to get it. It felt like Church was trying to mentally hand him something, kind of like when you're sitting on a park eating a sandwich and some cute birds come up and you tear off some bread and give it to them, but the bread is trust and Simmons is worried about his starch intake and keeps asking if he has multigrain instead.

Their mental exchange felt really close and intimate, but not like the lover sex kind of intimate, that would be gross. Church thought this was really immature of Simmons to think so he said, "_How would sharing a head with someone_ not _be intimate_?" so that Simmons would understand he can use that word without it meaning sex.

Simmons was embarrassed at being found out for jumping straight to thinking about sexy stuff again and was worried about Church thinking he was ending up with another Tucker. “Yeah, whatever,” said Simmons, trying to sound cool as an ice cube but failing because he really wasn't that cool at all. He got worried about not sounding cool in front of Church because he always worries about impressing everyone around him and Church felt him thinking this so now they're both feeling weird and Church decided to be the bigger man and stop them both.

"_We’re here_," said Church to Simmons from his own body. Simmons was too busy with thinking to even know what the heck was going on outside of his head. He tried to play it cool again by saying, "Right. Water," and failed again because he sounded like an idiot and Church knew that he wasn't cool anyway, even though Church wanted him all the time including right then and there while he wasn't being cool.

Church laughed, more at himself than Simmons because it was funny to him that he was so in love with this total dork. "Yeah, Richard. Water."

Simmons got all red from Church calling him by his whole first name, which nobody ever called him except when he was a kid and wouldn't eat all of his peas at dinner because they felt gross in his mouth like a bunch of gritty salmon eggs which are also gross to him, and his mom passive-aggressively said his entire name even though they were family and she could have just called him by his nickname but she didn't to sound scary. Simmons liked when Church said his name though because it wasn't scary, it was nice because of his sultry voice. But then he thought of Grif saying it in his stupid voice which for some reason sounded way hotter in his head so he thought he might ask Grif to say it later out loud to see if it sounded like that in real life.

Simmons felt a bad feeling go through him but he couldn't figure out why (it was Church's programmed heart breaking in half from Simmons having sex thoughts about Grif instead of him). "Are you trying to solve something? Because I-- uh, I sometimes feel how you're feeling when I'm sorting through something complex." Simmons said this and was really insensitive about it but not on purpose but intent really doesn't matter if you end up hurting the other person's feelings anyway like a total ass.

"I'm... yeah. Trying to solve something. You gonna grab that or not?" Church said this and looked at the water supplies to try and cover up that he was crying on the inside like a girl getting dumped for the first time ever. Simmons believed him because he is completely inept at the whole feelings thing like he's shown this whole situation.

"Yeah. I-- I got it." Simmons bent over and picked everything up really easy because of his awesomely powerful cyborg strength. Church wished he could be outside of Simmons to look at his butt while he bent over, but then he couldn't be inside of him and actually feel what it was like to have his butt for himself. He wanted his butt in a different way (I hear people say this phrase but don't get what it means and think it's a romance thing, Church would know probably though since he's in love) and hoped that would happen later when they got to know each other better. Church thinks after going to the movies and dinner on like three dates should be enough time for this.

"That wasn't so hard, was it?" asked Church because he knew it really wasn't that hard and was trying to make an obvious compliment to Simmons. Unless it was obvious, Simmons wouldn't get it at all and Church knew this. "Even easier with that arm, I bet," Church said because he always thought about Simmons' cyborg arm in really inappropriate sex ways and always had the urge to comment about it or stare at it at least. "How much does that hunk of metal weigh, anyway?"

Simmons grinned because Church was an idiot for asking since he should know because Church was inside his head. So Simmons said, "Shouldn't you know, being inside me and all that?" to remind him that he's an imbecile.

Church disappeared again because he took what Simmons said in a really, really sex-implied vulgar way and overheated his brain. When Church came back he said, "You've gotta be fucking kidding me," instead of what he wanted to say which was, "I wish I was inside of you having sex with my own human body."

"What was that? Should I be worried? Have you been malfunctioning? Why are you flustered?" Simmons asked so many questions it made Church feel embarrassed because he didn't want Simmons to think he couldn't perform under pressure in case things got intimate like the way Simmons uses intimate because he is so touch-starved. Simmons thought about Grif again because Grif was like an infestation where Simmons had the money to get a pest control guy out to the house to stop them from running around everywhere, but he kind of thought rats were cute so he put it off for now.

Church thought differently about this and wished Simmons would stop thinking about his stupid boyfriend Grif because he thought he was so much better. "I'm fine," Church said but he wasn't because Grif sucks compared to him so Simmons should be thinking about him instead. "Completely and totally fine." Again, Church really wasn't, he was completely and totally feeling bad. "What's with you... are you comparing me to your relationship with Grif?" Church asked this almost hoping that Simmons would compare him to Grif, that way Simmons would think about Church the same way and about how they could go drive out to the ocean for the weekend sometimes and then he'd get to see Simmons half naked in swim trunks a lot, unless he wore a Speedo which he was unsure about because he wanted Simmons' parts to be for his eyes only.

Simmons stopped walking to ask, "What?" because he was incapable of multitasking.

"_You keep-- nevermind._" Church was happy that Simmons was too dumb to realize his crush on Grif because it meant that the less he brought up the lazy orange, the better chance Church had to win him over.

Simmons remembered how to use his legs after using his mouth so he walked again, this time trying both at the same time. "But, uh, yeah. The cybernetics have taken some time to get used to. I mean, I guess it’s helped with improving my upper body strength." He said this meaning that his pecs and abs were so strong and muscular and was trying to impress Church and everyone on the planet. Except he also felt shy at the same time about showing off his hot bod because the amount of awkward in his body was too much for him to handle so he felt like hiding it a lot.

Church thought Simmons was totally hitting on him and wanted to do that back, so he said, "_I've noticed_," which was so smooth like he was the Fonz riding in on his hog at the diner to pick up ladies to take out on dates.

"Oh." Simmons got upset because he thought Church meant it sarcastically and was calling him a wimp which he wasn't physically but he was emotionally, but then he realized Church was being objective and just wanted to call him buff like bros do when they're at the gym watching each other work out (but his realization was wrong because Church was really trying to ask him out). "Oh! Yeah. It's, um, useful. I can do a lot of crazy stuff with this thing," Simmons said while flexing his cyborg arm.

Watching Simmons flex blew Church's mind because it was so crazy hot to him, and he almost choked thinking about the last thing Simmons said because it could imply so many dirty things that Church was all about if he was given the chance to do those things with Simmons. Instead of asking Simmons to do it, he instead was a puss again and said, "_Uh, yeah. I'm sure that it can. I, uh, guess we sorta understand each other there. I mean, hey, you're part machine, and I'm technically... well, just a machine._"

This was really suspicious to Simmons and he knew Church was probably thinking about something else, but since Simmons was a virgin he didn't think it was about sexy stuff and instead worried about Church being sad. So he tried to comfort him because that's what good buddies do, but also because he had feelings for Church he didn't get yet because he doesn't like to think about that kind of stuff.

"Hey, you're not a machine. You're still a person. You-- you have thoughts and feelings and emotions and-- and all that. You've got a personality! Granted, you're definitely kind of an asshole, but I dunno. You're someone I think I'd like to know better." Simmons said this and meant it to sound innocent but he totally got Church riled up and gave him the AI equivalent to a boner.

Tucker was there and he heard Simmons say this out loud. But Simmons didn't care. He decided he wanted Church right then and there, even if there was other people watching. So Simmons peaced out and left Tucker in the dust, and Tucker probably thought he ran off to go do sexy things with Church as a joke but really that is what they were actually going to do.

(sorry for rushing mom just got home so have to speed things up a bit you know how it is right)

Simmons laid down on the bed and told Church to do things to him. Church was slow and tender like a chicken nugget, but the ones from Chick Fil A and not McDonalds because those were more crunchy. It filled Simmons up when he touched him too also like when he ate a really good Chick Fil A meal.

More things happened and it made Church froze, except for their donger twitchin' all crazy cuz he was rock hard like the Rock himself. Simmons never felt stronger. He imagined himself like Maui from that one Disney movie. Which reminded him of Grif oh fuck--

(ok mom just came in the room I have to stop writing now I don't want her to find out)

_ fin _


End file.
